“Our parents leave us too early, our spouse and our children come too late.
Our siblings are the only ones who are with us the entire ride.”
I came across this quote recently and it struck a chord with me. I realised how accurate it was and that I had never given it much thought.
Many of us tend to believe that our most significant relationships are with our spouses, children, or parents. However, it’s our siblings who are arguably some of the most important relationships to nurture. They are with us through the entirety of our journey, witnessing our triumphs and failures, and providing a unique perspective that no one else can.
Siblings are the ones who are there to see us grow from children to adults. They have the courage to call us out when we’re wrong and are there to grieve with us when we lose a loved one. Despite this, it’s unfortunate that some siblings fall out and don’t speak for years, missing out on the deep bond that could have been.
Foundations:
Observing the sibling relationship is fascinating. In childhood, these relationships are often characterised by arguments and fights, especially between boys and girls. The bickering over trivial matters like who said what or who gets to watch their favourite show can seem never-ending.
Between the ages of 5-12, this would have described my relationship with my sister.
As we grew older, our relationship improved significantly, mainly because we didn't spend enough time together to irritate each other. Attending boarding school meant we only saw each other during holidays, so we would catch up and spend limited time together, learning the importance of sacrifice.
Our relationship truly changed in our late teens, as we finished school and headed to university. We had matured and, more importantly, started to discover who we wanted to be. This self-awareness brought patience and tolerance for each other’s differences.
Although our early years were turbulent for our parents, they were crucial in laying the foundation for our future relationship. We knew how to push each other’s buttons, but we also knew how to avoid doing so. We understood each other’s insecurities and how to make each other laugh.
These formative years built the groundwork for a strong, loyal bond that has only grown stronger over time.
Trauma:
Trauma in life is inevitable and at some point, we will all experience traumas that can impact a whole family. For Emily and I, our first experience of this was in 2013, when our parents announced they were separating.
Being 18 and 16 at the time and both in full-time boarding we dealt with the emotion in different ways but together we grew stronger.
This is the thing with experiencing trauma with siblings, you can either let it isolate you, as you try and deal with the emotions alone, or it can unite you as it forces you to rely solely on each other.
I put a lot of the reasoning for our closer bond forming down to the fact that we’d already experienced an eruptive relationship as children and recognised how isolation was not a route either of us wanted to take.
We became a support system for each other and began relying on each other for support more than any other people could. Our bond solidified and our relationship flourished.
Trauma hit again to an even greater extent at the loss of a close family member to suicide, who doted and cherished us as if we were his kids. We both grieved jointly, talking about our sadness and thoughts and recovered slowly together and individually. Because we knew each other so well we knew when to give space and offer support.
It’s only when you are close to a sibling and you experience this that you understand the importance of a strong bond.
Journey:
Because you are growing up side by side your sibling is the only person to see you experience your journey through life. They know how you evolved as a person and what you went through to achieve what you have.
It can be really easy when you grow up to distance yourself from your siblings as you start your own families and you grow into the real world.
One thing I’ve observed from my parents is that it is very easy to let the intensity of life get in the way of living and not letting it affect your relationships with your siblings.
Being nearly a third of the way through our lives we’ve not even experienced the real highs and lows which lie ahead of us yet we’ve been lucky to experience a lot together and appreciate each other company.
As the saying goes, ‘You can choose your friends, you can’t choose your family’.
People can perceive this in a few ways. I like to see that family is there no matter what differences you have. If you have issues you have to resolve them because when the going gets tough, it’s those who love and know you the best who should stand to support you. Usually your family.
I am Will Flindall, host of the Valley of Outlaws Podcast where I speak to those who have decided to take control of their life and follow a passion or instinct.
If you feel like you could be getting more from your life, then maybe one of the conversations I’ve had with the Outlaws might help you kickstart a change.
Peace x
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